Give up Heaven

She had been quietly standing there for a long while, smiling. Just sitting in the sun, letting it hit her skin like it always did in this city.

This was a city of wonder, city of dreams finally come true. She had come here thirsty for every second this place could offer her and she had plunged into its warm, exciting embrace with the mind of a teenager. She had hoped for crazy nights and endless celebrations. She wanted to be the young girl she really was. She wanted to break free from the gray and the mundane. She never wanted to feel a drop of rain on her pearly skin.

She felt at home the moment she arrived. Normally she would carefully decorate her new room in a desperate attempt to create a somewhat homey atmosphere for herself before finally feeling comfortable enough. But not here…this was her home since she could remember. She wasn’t born or raised here but that was not the point. She belonged here, it clicked. Barcelona. The name rolled out of her mouth with such grace and promises for magical experiences. She deserved this amazing gift. She had worked hard and dreamed hard. She had had to go through enough dark murky wet days. She was done with that world of careful planning and normal, orderly relationships. She was here to be wild, free-spirited, free-minded. She felt the energy of the place pierce her with the warm rays of the sun and her smile didn’t leave her face for months. She went everywhere with a heart full of satisfaction that she had never thought existed. She had done it. She had finally found her true self. She belonged here, among those big-hearted passionate people. She was made to have endless sensual conversations about the meaning of life. This was the place for her to blossom, the place for her to finally be what she could be. Her potential, her talents, they were all set free and she talked more that she ever did, she made new friends every day. She needed a lot less alcohol but felt a lot more drunk. Intoxicated with the aromas, tastes, sounds of this place, she was in heaven.

It wasn’t until recently that she started feeling very strange. She didn’t know how to define it. This was her dream city and she was living in it. Not simply visiting, but living the dream. She felt guilty for ever being even remotely sad and she suppressed it for as long as she could but it got the best of her. As she was standing in the sun, smiling (to prove to herself that she was still just as insanely happy here as she was the first day she arrived) she saw a glimpse in the distance. It was a golden reflection of the sun. It was a boy’s messy light blond hair. Her whole body went numb and she could swear she felt like she was suddenly submerged in water. No, she wasn’t submerged because suddenly she sensed the light tapping of water droplets on her bare shoulders. And all of this in the warm summer day? Was she hallucinating? The guy in question was way too far to see clearly but it seemed like he was quite tall and walking towards her in the narrow street. She felt her heart beat race and her palms sweat. She was suddenly breathing very heavily and despite the heat she felt a little cold. Surprisingly, she liked it. She hadn’t had chills for months here and now they felt like a wake up call. Was this her guy? ‘My guy’ she almost whispered. A sharp realization hit her. She had neglected him for so long. She had left him behind with the rain and murky weather that were none of his fault. She had plunged into her new life not realizing that her old life could not simply disappear. She was connected to it and it was part of her. She had neglected a part of herself in order to fully merge into a fantasy version of who she desperately wanted to be. She had been having those ghost thoughts for weeks now but if she started calling, if she looked for him that would mean defeat. That would mean she needed him to be fully happy. And how was that possible? She was an independent woman in heaven. Why would she ever EVER need a bland, ordinary rational person? She had crowds of temperamental admirers here. She was the queen of this world. But why was she so extremely excited to see this gleam of blond hair. Why were her fingers trembling with the unsettling desire to touch his familiar relaxed features? Why did she suddenly feel the urge to run towards him and cry in his arms?

It wasn’t him. It was someone else. Not even remotely as spectacular. And she didn’t remember ever thinking he was spectacular before. What happened to her? Was she weak now? She was so unfaithful to this city of dreams. How could she miss this cold northern guy when she had everything her teenager heart desired?

The truth was she was not a teenager anymore. She was young and she could be wild indeed but she wasn’t a child. She had her past and she had her feelings. Her soul had been through a lot and there was a particular someone who was so important to her she would never admit it. She had tried to ignore the thoughts of him meeting other girls and she had smudged the mental picture with Spanish parties and adventures. But she couldn’t run from herself forever. She had arrived at a point where she had to stop herself from being constantly reminded of him everywhere she went. Even in this town, so much different from his world, she could see him. She asked herself what he would say or think about the city, how he would laugh at her and tease her and drive her insane. He was so annoying and ordinary and boring. And she just loved him so damn much.

She was crying when she hid into the shadows. She didn’t want any of this sun anymore. She wanted to run back to her dark rainy home, where nothing was perfect. She wanted to be angry and unhappy again…as long as he was the one making her banana pancakes in the morning. She kept crying all the way back home. She wasn’t as happy as she should be in this fairytale city. She was so unfaithful.

Dreams are not everything, she realized. Sometimes people need some reality. And the reality of it all was, he was part of her and she couldn’t substitute him for any of her other loves. She needed him too…to make the picture complete. And if he couldn’t fit in the current picture she was willing to sacrifice heaven to be with him in hell. She wasn’t weak, she was just human. It was time to go back to reality because her guy was waiting for her in the rain.

She picked up the phone after weeks of silence. Her heart was pounding with hope and she almost screamed with relief when he answered. He sounded very, very sad and she wanted to cry. It was her fault, only her fault and she has been so selfish and so fake and so stupid.

- I am so so sorry. I want to see you!

He sighed with such relief that she could feel it in her own lungs.

- I missed you. – he breathed and he didn’t sound sad anymore.